JEALOUSY

Jealousy
 

Stop Making Assumptions That Fuel Jealousy We all make assumptions from time to time. If you observe that someone is shivering, you might offer him or her a blanket or jacket. Your guess that the person is cold might be accurate, or there may be something else going on that you are unaware of. Many of the assumptions that we make, like this one, are relatively harmless and benign. Other assumptions can actually cause pain and disconnection in our love relationships-- particularly those leaps that fuel jealousy! When you make an assumption about your partner without evidence to confirm your perceptions, you could very likely experience jealousy and all of its damaging effects. Your jealous habit can easily be fueled by stories that are created in your mind springing from those assumptions. Chelsea is grateful that her husband Ric is such a nice guy. The trouble according to Chelsea, however, is that Ric is a nice, attractive and gullible guy. In her eyes, women just can't stay away from him. She worries that one day he'll walk right into an affair without even knowing it until it's too late. Chelsea trusts Ric completely, but has absolutely no trust for the many women who seem to flock to him. When they are out at a party, Chelsea feels like she has to "stake her claim" and make it clear that he's taken. On a few occasions, Chelsea has even had arguments with other women who she feels were being too friendly with him. Realize that you are making assumptions.  When you can remain aware of how you are feeling-- particularly when jealous feelings arise-- you can more easily gain clarity about what's going on in your relationship and begin to move closer to your partner. Get into the habit of taking a few moments to ask yourself how you are feeling and pay attention to the stories you might be telling yourself. If a thought or story comes to you that seems to be attached to jealousy, ask yourself if you know this to be true. Pay attention to the clues your body may be giving you when negative assumptions come into your mind. Chelsea begins to check in with herself a few times a day every day. She begins doing this when she is feeling calm and is in neutral situations. She then starts practicing questioning her assumptions in contexts that tend to trigger her. She realizes that her stomach tightens and she feels slightly ill when jealousy begins to build. At a dinner party recently, Chelsea keenly became aware of these body sensations as a female acquaintance of theirs starts a conversation with Ric. Rather than rush over to Ric and this woman, Chelsea stopped herself and tuned into her feelings. Meet your assumptions with curiosity  The stories that you are telling yourself about your partner might be partially or completely accurate. It could be that the woman at the dinner party is trying to engage Ric's attentions in inappropriate ways that he just doesn't see. On the other hand, it could also be that what Chelsea thinks is going on is completely off the mark. Perhaps this woman needs some advice about an issue that Ric knows a lot about. The woman's intentions may be quite innocent and absolutely not what Chelsea initially assumes them to be. Get curious about what you believe to be true that is fueling jealousy within you. We are not suggesting that you interrogate your mate or the other person in the situation. Instead, start out by getting curious within yourself. Ask yourself if you know this assumption to be absolutely true. Consider if your perceptions are coming from your own fears and insecurities or from plausible information you can truly rely on. You might end up asking for more information from your partner about a particular situation. This can help you get clearer about what is a story and what is accurate. Before approaching your mate with questions, however, get into a calm state of mind and think about how you can phrase your questions so that they are not accusations. Later on at the dinner party, Chelsea might ask Ric about his conversation with the woman. She might inquire about the issue they talked about, coming from a place of curiosity, of course. We all make assumptions. But when those stories we tell ourselves lead to jealousy that then causes disconnection, it's time to take a step back. Ask yourself if the pain and growing distance between you and your partner is worth the leap you take when you make assumptions. Practice questioning the stories you tell yourself and NOT your partner as you move closer to letting go of jealousy and toward a deeper love with your mate.