"He who restrains his words has knowledge, And he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding." -- Proverbs 17:27
After living separate lives, a retired business executive and his wife discovered a painful reality. Sitting at home one evening, the couple called some friends to see what they were doing. "Oh," said the other wife, "we're just talking and drinking tea."
The executive's wife hung up the phone. "Why don't we ever do that?" she demanded. "They're just drinking tea and talking."
"So," said the executive, "make us some tea." Soon they sat with their freshly brewed tea, staring at each other. "Call them back," he directed, "and find out what they're talking about!" As the couple discovered, a relationship will be only as good as its communication.
One way to enhance your marriage is by becoming an effective communicator. This involves many skills, but most importantly, it means learning how to listen. However, listening takes time and work, that's why so few practice it, much less master it. As a rule, to the degree your mate feels heard and understood, it's to that degree he will desire communication. Who wants to talk with someone who doesn't listen? Therefore, if your hope is to become a proficient communicator, by using a special communication technique, your mate can instantly feel heard and understood.There is nothing more disheartening than to want to express your feelings to someone you love, and be shot down by their inability to listen to you.
"Drive-Through Talking"
Although you don't need to use this technique during normal conversations, it can be helpful with hot or sensitive issues, or when you want to enhance the clarity and safety of your communication. This method also works great with children, adolescents, co-workers and friends.
Picture yourself ordering at a McDonald's driving-through window. As you look over the menu, a voice from the speaker box says "May I take your order?"
"I'll have a cheeseburger, fries and a large coke," you say confidently. After a short moment of silence, the voice repeats, "You want a burger, fries and a large diet coke?"
"NO," you shout in the direction of the speaker box, "a CHEESEburger, fries and a large COKE!"
"Sorry," the box explains, "You want a cheeseburger, fries and a large coke. Will that be all?"
"Yes," you insist.
"That will be $2.99. Have a nice day."
This is a good example of effective communication that should take place in marriage. When you want your mate to clearly and accurately understand your "order," you should use the "drive-through talking" method. One of you becomes the customer and the other becomes the employee. As the customer, you first explain your feelings or needs by using "I feel" statements-as opposed to "You make me feel...." remarks. It's also necessary to use short sentences so your mate can repeat back precisely what you are communicating.
Next, your mate simply repeats what he heard. Then you get to "edit" his interpretation. After correcting any misunderstandings, your husband continues to repeat your statements back until you feel your feelings or needs are understood.
Once you are finished sharing, then you trade places. Your husband becomes the customer and you get to be the employee. He then places his order by explaining his feelings or needs. Your job is to repeat back what you hear him communicating until he is satisfied. This sequence continues until everyone feels heard and understood. During this technique, it's important to remember the focus is not on creating solutions. Instead, the purpose to understand each other's feelings and needs. You can work on solutions AFTER all "ordering" is completed or at a later time.
In James 1:19 it says, "...But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger." This verse explains the power of drive through talking. When your communication is slowed down, it's much easier to keep the conversation from escalating out of control, or someone feeling their feelings are not important enough for the other person to hear, and it keeps them from withdrawing from communication in the future because they feel it is a lost cause to try and communicate their feelings. What a terrible and lonely feeling that is to not be listened to and have to hold your feelings unresolved.
The husband should be willing to consider his wife's views.
Ephesians 5:25ff - The husband is head as Jesus is head of the church. But God listens to our requests in prayer (Phil. 4:6f).
Ephesians 5:28,29 - The husband should love his wife as he does his own body, but the body communicates its needs so the head can make decisions according to what is best.
James 1:19 - Every man should be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.
1 Peter 3:7 - The husband is to treat his wife with understanding. But since men are not mind-readers, this requires listening to her views. [cf. Matt. 7:12]
Speak to resolve a problem, not push aside or hurt one another.
Matthew 5:24 - The goal is to be reconciled, not to hurt people. Often we are willing to talk, but only for the purpose of getting our way. We seek to win a victory, prove the other person wrong, etc. The purpose ought to be to find a Scriptural resolution. [Lev. 19:18]
Romans 12:17,19-21 - Don't repay evil for evil or seek vengeance, but return good for evil. Sometimes a couple starts out trying to resolve a problem, but one insults the other, then the other returns an insult. Soon the goal becomes to see who can hurt the other person worst.
Too many discussions end up being quarrels, because we let the problem become an occasion to attack one another. Instead, we should work together to attack the problem. Discuss the problem to solve the problem, not to hurt one another's feelings.
When bringing up a problem, introduce it objectively then maintain focus on the specific problem. "Honey, there's a problem we need to talk about..." or "Can I tell you how I feel about something?" Don't enlarge the problem to attack the character of the other person. Avoid "You're just selfish, that's all," or "Why can't you be like so-and-so's wife?"
Listen to your Spouse's Viewpoint.
A "discussion" requires both listening and talking. In practice, however, many spouses only want to express their own views.
James 1:19 - Therefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. Don't enter the discussion assuming the other person has no valid reasons for his view. We should be quickly willing to listen, and slow to present our views, especially when we are angry, guilty, or disapproving.
Suggestion: Begin the discussion by asking your spouse to explain his/her view. Do not begin by attacking the position you assume they hold and defending your own view. Begin by asking questions honestly designed to help you understand what they think. "Could you explain to me why you did it that way ...?" "Have you considered doing it like this?" Maybe they have considered your idea and have some valid reasons for preferring another approach.
Do not dominate the discussion. Let the other person express his/her views. Do you appreciate it when others just attack your views but refuse to listen to what you have to say? "Love your neighbor as yourself," and practice the golden rule (Matt. 7:12).
Honestly Examine the Evidence.
John 7:24 "Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment."
Honestly seek to learn the facts of what happened - maybe the other person did not do what you thought they did. Ask for the reasons why the other person holds his/her view. Maybe they have reasons that you have not considered.
Then present evidence for your view. Don't just make charges and accusations. Don't jump to conclusions or assign motives. If you don't have proof, then ask questions. But don't make accusations unless you have proof. Recognize an obligation to prove what you say or else don't say it!
Matthew 18:16 - By the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. (Acts 24:13) Do not consider your spouse guilty of wrong doing until the evidence is clear. Do not condemn them on the basis of opinion and flimsy appearances, when you would not want them to condemn you on that basis.
John 12:48; 2 Timothy 3:16,17 - The Scriptures must guide us in matters of right and wrong. They will judge us in the last day. If there are Bible principles relating to the subject, study them together.
Honestly Examine Your Own Conduct, Motives, Etc.
Consider honestly the possibility that you may have been wrong, or that you may at least have contributed to the problem. Do not just find fault with your mate. Perhaps you can improve.
Genesis 3:12,13 - When the first married couple sinned, God confronted them. The man blamed the woman and the woman blamed the serpent. Both had been wrong, but neither was willing to admit their wrong. That is typical. Even when we are guilty, we want others to bear or share the blame - "Look what he/she did!"
Proverbs 28:13 - He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy. In a family has serious problems, almost invariably there is sin, but the guilty one(s) refuse to admit it, blames others, rationalizes, etc. [2 Cor. 13:5]
Pride keeps us from recognizing and admitting our guilt. Most people, when studying a topic like this one can think of lots of points that apply to their spouses, but what about you?
Honesty and humility leads us to seek the truth and admit whatever errors we have made. And remember, even if we are not convinced we caused a problem, love leads us to be willing to get involved and help solve it. [1 Thess. 5:21; Psa. 32:3,5; Gal. 6:1]
Be Patient and Control Your Temper.
1 Corinthians 13:4 - Love is patient. We are easily upset when a matter is not quickly resolved. Resolving some problems may take a long time, with gradual improvement. Don't give up. Don't expect that you or your spouse will change overnight. Give it time. [Rom. 2:7; Gal. 6:7-9; 2 Thess. 3:5].
Proverbs 18:13 - To answer a matter before we have heard it out is foolish. Sometimes we are ready to judge a matter before we have thought it through. Don't make snap decisions.
Don't think that you must reach a final decision the first time a matter is brought up. Take time for you and your spouse to think about what has been discussed. If your initial discussion doesn't lead to a solution, ask for time to think about it. Promise to discuss it again later. You are more likely to reach a rational conclusion, and your spouse will know you have taken the matter seriously.
Prov. 15:1 - A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Don't allow your temper to make you lose your objectivity and resort to hurting the other person. Anger is not necessarily sinful, but it must be controlled so it doesn't lead us into sin [Eph. 4:26; Jas. 1:19,20].
The goal is, not to talk endlessly nor simply to vent frustrations, but to resolve the problem. You should seek to determine a plan of action whereby the problem ceases to alienate you.
Compromise and Overlook Differences of Viewpoint, Where Possible.
1 Corinthians 13:4f - Love suffers long and is kind. Love is not selfish.
Every couple will find in one another characteristics that we would like to change but cannot. Sin must not be overlooked, but if there is no sin and the person just does things we don't like, then love will not push personal desires to the point of alienation. Learn to overlook these matters without bitterness.
Romans 14 - Even some spiritual decisions are matters of personal opinion, not matters of sin. If you cannot prove your spouse has committed sin, do not imply he/she has been guilty.
James 3:14-18; Matthew 5:9; Romans 12:17-21; 1 Peter 3:11 - Sincerely seek a peaceable resolution to the problem. We should want the conflict to end, even if we have to give up our own desires to achieve it.
In some matters, there may be give and take - compromise. As long as no Bible conviction is violated, seek a middle-ground solution. "I'll give in here, if you'll give in there." Or, "Let's do it your way this time, and then next time we'll do it my way."
