Friends Forever??

How many close friends do you have? If you have even one you should consider yourself blessed. In today's culture, it's cool to claim you have a BFF (best friend forever), but is that person really your best friend? Can you tell him everything? What about that thing from your past you are so ashamed of? What about your fears? What about your struggles with sin?
A true friend is someone you can trust with these things, someone who will still love you in spite of your past failures and current struggles. But a true friend also must be allowed to counsel you when he sees you about to make a bad decision or being disobedient to God's word. But they also will not leave you when things are not perfect, or when your at your worst.Proverbs 27:9 tells us “the heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense.”We all need godly friends who will love us enough to give us heartfelt counsel when we need it.  BUT, Sadly, this is a rare occurrence to find this type of true friend in this day and time. Most often, they do not choose to help up with counsel, but instead, leave us alone in turmoil. So with that said,


“A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” — Proverbs 18:24
Friends come and go with the passing of time. Some friends are lifelong; others are friends only for a season. Some friends will always hold a special place in our hearts even though their love for us may have changed or diminished. Each of us has experienced friendships that fall into at least one, or perhaps all, of these categories.
As we consider our relationships with others, we would do well to ask, “What kind of friend am I?” Am I a fair weather friend who will be there for someone else only when it is convenient for me, or am I a true friend who is sincerely interested in the well being of another individual, regardless of the time and effort it costs me to nurture the friendship? If we are honest, most of us would admit to being disappointed by friends at one time or another. At times, we ourselves have been guilty of the same offense. I admit that I have myself lost my closest dearest friend for being a self centered, selfish friend. Not seeing his needs over my own, during a tumultuous time.  (Most terrible mistake I have ever made). I imagine I'll always harbor guilt and pain over losing his beautiful friendship.

Earthly friendships are complicated because human beings are complicated, imperfect creatures. Nonetheless, there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother, and his name is Jesus.
Jesus is faithful, kind, and loving. He sees us just as we are and loves us, warts and all.(if you had warts that is) When I can’t call on anyone else, I know that I can call on him. I know that he will never, ever stop being my friend and that he will always be with me. His Word assures me of that. Jesus has loved me with an everlasting love that is not dependent on my employment, my financial status, my outer beauty, my sense of humor, or my availability to provide a service or favor. If my circumstances change, Jesus remains faithful, true, and constant. Never too busy for one of his own, he talks to me and is always glad to hear my voice.
What a friend we have in Jesus! Oh, that we would be more like him in our own friendships!

HEAL YOUR HEART WITH LOVE

Have you ever been stood up, left hanging, left waiting and wondering? No call, no apology, no explanation or accountability – nothing at all. What kind of person stands on top of another, and why? How does this painfully selfish and self-centered behavior make you feel? How does one reconcile feelings of intense disappointment and hurt? When a friend or lover simply leaves you behind; feeling used, abandoned, rejected, unloved – ruined.  We tend to hold on to the pain and suffering, allowing it to consume us fully, as if we are deserving of the punishment. My question to you is… What do you do with this uninvited guest who never seems to leave? How long do you hold on to the pain? Do you allow yourself to be powerless, lost in a sea of unending suffering? How do we keep ourselves from drowning in the sorrow that keeps us from moving on? How do we love again?

The Answer:
Healing our hearts pain is, for most of us, part of our soul work in this lifetime. This work may show up later in life as we get triggered by things from our past that were not healed or resolved from our childhood. My uninvited guest, pain, showed up when my denial was breaking. After years of denying my feelings and trying to people please I hit my bottom and began to do the work of looking at my part in all my painful relationships. As much as I would have liked to blame my pain on someone else or the situation, ultimately I had to show up, grow up and heal me.
When we are filled up inside with self love, positive self esteem we are less and less effected by those around us doing their soul work. We all have our stuff to work out but we don’t have to take on other’s karmas.  We have enough of our own to resolve!
The reason we get triggered by “separateness” ie: abandonment, disappointment, empowerment, rejection, sadness is that our ego is in control instead of our soul. Our first relationship is with our Higher Power, God or Universe (whichever name works for you) I prefer God.  All other relationships are just icing on the cake. They don’t “complete us.” We already are complete.  We are children of God.  Our pure essence is LOVE.
I found the peace, love, joy and happiness I was looking for in others was already inside of me just waiting to be rediscovered. If I keep the focus on me, start my day with spiritual connection ie: prayer, meditation or yoga I am more likely to stay in my higher self and be less triggered by others dramas.  I know when I get pulled into other’s stuff there is something in me I’m trying to avoid healing or looking at. I Love that awareness now and am happy to step up for more growth work!  Bring on the freedom baby!

Just say it, just Ask! Dont Hint or be vague, and don't expect mind reading

I don’t know what happened in my life that made me as direct as I am now, but I am so grateful. I wake up everyday thinking, “I don’t want to waste one moment of my day on anything that doesn’t serve me or others.” Okay, I also wake up thinking, “I have to pee really bad,” but that doesn’t go with this blog. Anyway, I don’t expect anyone to give me anything that I can’t give myself. I also don’t expect anyone to read my mind as to what I want. If I want something, I just ask.

“Just ask!”

If you’re not a clear communicator, then this life lesson is something you need to work on as fast as possible. If you just say what you want your whole world will change. Sure, people can say no, but I would much rather have an honest “no” from someone then a manipulated “yes.” If you remain a “hinter” you could very well find yourself victimizing yourself and making others feel guilty for not being a mind reader. And may very well sabotage your relationships, because you feel like your needs weren't met by your needs to be a  mind reader mate.

If this blog sounds like you, do something about it. If you’re in denial of being a hinter, become aware of how you react if someone makes you angry for not doing what you want. Be blunt, be brave and just ask for what you want!

Learning from my own advice /Elements of "Self" Compassion communicating not pushing others out

At times, although very rare, I find myself acting out of anger and frustration over things that happen in life. I know better of course, but I AM after all human. Recently, well, maybe not so recent, a few months back in fact. I faltered and allowed someone to push my final button during a very vulnerable time. Well regretfully, I said some things I shouldnt have said. Since then, I have felt horrible; not because that person didn't deserve to be told this or put in his place, but because of how I did it out of anger and frustration rather than calm understanding(quite out of character and definatley not my typical good example that I always try to set for my children). Unfortunately, I allowed myself to become weak and react negatively. I have learned over the years through so much abuse and hurt to become strong, and a survivor Yet, be the bigger person no matter what the situation is, that being bigger IS better in those situations. But I also learned that I am human and that NO ONE is perfect and NO ONE has always done the right thing all the time. That I cannot kill myself worrying about if someone disproves of me, my choices, my actions or my words. I have learned that I can't take back what I have done, I can only acknowledge my fault and get up and try again. That I have no control over others closed minds to forgiveness and inability to accept human nature to error without condemnation. I know my heart and that it IS good, and it has not been easy, but I have learned to believe in me, love me, and when I make a mistake, I AM humble enough to admit it. I am not perfect, of course not, Jesus was the only perfect one. I know that when I love, I love like no other, and I am a good woman. I don't need someones approval to KNOW that. I know that I take on the world for others to protect them and fight for them and am the voice for the weak, but, sometimes I'm the voice when I shouldn't be I guess. I am passionate, and strong. Those are WELL EARNED traits that I was not born with. If people REALLY took the time to know me they would see that, and understand me very well. ALL people who actually get to know me, usually love me. All I know is that I am very sensitive and I get hurt very easily. I have NO bad intentions EVER, and I usually always do the right thing. I have lived a very clean, straight life, no pills, no drugs, no drinking, no violence and have since having my boys lived only for them. I REALLY DO try to always do good and the right thing. I usually write to vent, and blow off steam, not yell, cuss or fight. I write, write, write. But I didn't this time, I was sword drawn fighting like a fool, Now that I have slain the Dragon, how will I roast my marshmallows??*sigh*

What I maybe should of written and given him instead of reacting to his anger with anger. Left him alone and give him some time to think about it, but I didn't, I gave back to him what he was giving to me...ANGER Sadly, I lost my best friend, so maybe with my Venting I can help someone else now. As this situation inspired this blog writing. He refuses to talk to me even months later. PUSHED ME TOTALLY OUT!

Elements of "Self" Compassion communicating not pushing others out

Self-kindness. Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, or unimportant, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism. Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals. People cannot always be or get exactly what they want. And they never will unless they can communicate clearly their needs and wants. When this reality is denied or fought against, suffering increases in the form of stress, frustration, anger and self-criticism. When this reality is accepted with sympathy and kindness, greater emotional equanimity is experienced. Frustration at not having things exactly as we want is often accompanied by an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation – as if “I” were the only person suffering or making mistakes. All humans suffer, however. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience - something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone. It also means recognizing that personal thoughts, feelings and actions are impacted by “external” factors such as parenting,history, culture, relationships,genetic and environmental conditions, as well as the behavior and expectations of others. Substance abuse experts calls the intricate web of reciprocal cause and effect in which we are all imbedded with the “interbeing.” Recognizing our essential interbeing allows us to be less judgmental about our personal failings, After all, if we had full control over our behavior, how many people would consciously choose to have anger issues, addiction issues, debilitating social anxiety, eating disorders, and so on? Many aspects of ourselves and the circumstances of our lives are not of our choosing, but instead stem from innumerable factors (genetic and/or environmental) that we have little control over. By recognizing our essential interdependence, therefore, failings and life difficulties do not have to be taken so personally, but can be acknowledged with non-judgmental compassion and understanding. Mindfulness. Self-compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. This equilibrated stance stems from the process of relating personal experiences to those of others who are also suffering, thus putting our own situation into a larger perspective. It also stems from the willingness to observe our negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity, so that they are held in mindful awareness. That we learn to communicate our needs, and wants. Not supress them, then later boil over with anger when they are not met especially by our loved ones. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. At the same time, mindfulness requires that we not be “over-identified” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negative reactivity.

Principles....Your Inner Compass

My father was fond, especially as his children approached various milestones or accomplishments in their lives, of telling the old story about the elated graduate who raced excitedly from his ceremony to declare, "Here I am world. I have my A.B."
The world smiled a wry, weary smile and said, "Nice work, son. Now sit down and let me teach you the rest of the alphabet. Plan on it taking a lifetime."
It is not a coincidence that graduation ceremonies are called commencements. Graduating from any level of schooling is an accomplishment to be celebrated, but in terms of your life on this planet, it is just the beginning of a lifetime (at least one would hope so) of continuing to learn and making decisions grounded in sound principles informed by solid learning. Among the hardest tasks of anyone who hopes to be fully human rather than just a cog in the machine is deciding what principles will guide you and how closely you will adhere to them.
"In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock," Thomas Jefferson wrote to one of his nephews in one of the detailed letters of advice he lavished on younger relatives toward whom he felt some kind of tutelary obligation. But what is a principle, as compared to a fact, an opinion, a preference, a whim, a circumstance or a plan of action? And what do you do when your principles seem to clash?
First a demurrer. The idea that it is important to have coherent, consistent principles might not seem necessary - might not even seem efficacious - in the world graduates will be learning from. We all know of people who seem to survive and thrive with no particular principles, let alone consistent ones, beyond seizing opportunities, looking for the main chance, and shifting philosophical allegiances when the cultural winds shift.
The main reason to seek, hold and live by principles is for oneself, not for one's friends, neighbors or the world at large. The principled person can look back at a life and be able to say, "I wasn't perfect, and I might not have been successful as the world views success, but I had principles and I stuck to them. I was my own person." That beats having the pleasure of success tempered by the knowledge that you drifted or chose to behave less than honorably.
Kenneth Ellwein, executive director of Lutheran High School in Orange, of course, believes principles should be spiritually grounded, in Judeo-Christian teaching and scriptures. "Without such a grounding decision-making can be hit-or-miss," he states. "Whatever your religious orientation, if any, it can't hurt to operate as if a powerful, benevolent personage actively wants you to become better in every way throughout your life".
I believe there is such a person, In, fact I "know" there is such a person, I am a Christian and I believe in the Father, Son and Holy Ghost.... so I try to be personally honest, which is not always easy for me; I'm often tempted to fudge - or let's be honest, lie - when I've done something stupid or embarrassing, when I feel like a failure when life is not going my way, and I want to make everyone think that I am "OK". I like Bob LeFevre's rule about personal conduct: "Harm no one; after that, do as you like." I believe personal coercion among adults is immoral, but I sometimes carry persuasion to the edge of coercion. I can't imagine starting a fight, but I stand ready to defend myself.
The Oxford English Dictionary defines "principle" as: "A fundamental truth or proposition on which many others depend; a primary truth comprehending, or forming the basis of, various subordinate truths; a general statement or tenet forming the (or a) ground of, or held to be essential to, a system of thought or belief; a fundamental assumption forming the basis of a chain of reasoning." A secondary definition is "A general law or rule adopted or professed as a guide to action."
I assume, for example, that people are created equal - not in the sense that they all have the same color hair or the same abilities or potential, but in the sense that none is entitled to special privileges, whether bestowed as a result of skin color, ethnic origin, sex or political influence. Equal in the eyes of God and (ideally) in the eyes of government. From that fundamental principle, it seems to me, one can derive the idea that (as Jefferson put it again) some are not born with saddles while others are born with boots and spurs, destined to rule the hoi polloi,(the masses or the majority) and most of the other ideas that lead to the conclusion that a society in which people are free to make their own decisions about their own lives is preferable to any other.
But others might not agree with the entire chain of reasoning. And that general principle doesn't tell you whom you should support (if anyone) in a political race or what actions you should take to manifest your principles in the larger world. It doesn't tell you whether a particular function of government should be privatized tomorrow. That will require thought - sometimes deep, hard thought - and a clear-eyed view of the realm of the possible.
My favorite music is what we only half-accurately call "classical" and my favorite composer is Mozart. That's a preference, not a principle. It is probably a deep truth that music is important to human beings, but is any kind objectively best? Doubtful. In such areas one should enjoy what one likes and allow others to do likewise rather than trying to prove that one kind or another comports with your deepest principles.
That suggests a potential danger in living by principles: that they can devolve into a rigid ideology that pretends to explain everything and can cause you to deny or obfuscate inconvenient truths you may encounter. The Soviet communists believed so strongly that humankind could be molded into the perfect, socially responsible New Soviet Man that they denied the developing science of genetics and supported an alternate theory, Lysenkoism, that argued in the face of numerous countervailing facts that people are formed by society and have no inherent traits.
(The two views can be integrated into a view that both inherent characteristics and social circumstances influence human beings, but not if one is blinded by ideology.)
Ayn Rand loved the kind of light 19th-century overtures, dances and incidental music she called "lollipops." Fine. But she made a few desultory attempts to try to prove that such art was most conducive to an objectivist ethos and human freedom, while baroque music was degenerate and collectivist. Silly.
So there are pitfalls. You want to be careful about principles, searching diligently for ideals that are first principles rather than derivative ones. You don't want to base them on current scientific or sociological knowledge unless you are willing to change or abandon them if such knowledge is superceded. And you don't want to confuse your preferences or prejudices with genuine principles, or get so caught up in ideology that you come to view scientific or knowledge breakthroughs as potential threats to your belief system.
But think about a life without principles. You'll be blown about by circumstance, making compromises even when it's not necessary, worrying about how you will look to somebody else rather than how something you're thinking about doing comports with your inner compass. Your ethics are likely to be situational rather than grounded.
Living by principles requires constant thought about how to apply them and a willingness to challenge and rethink them. It will almost certainly require giving up some immediate benefits; it could mean choosing a less lucrative career path than might be available to those more willing to compromise.
But being true to yourself and your beliefs helps you to feel better about yourself. Constant thought - continuing to use and stretch your brainpower - wards off some of the ill effects of aging. So you'll live longer and be happier (though life without sorrow and tragedy is a delusion). Not bad.

God's Peace Is For You

God's Peace Is For You

 “I’m so frustrated! That just aggravates me!”

How often have you said or thought those words? I know I’ve felt this way many times. But I’ve learned that we can come to a point in our lives where we don’t experience being aggravated and frustrated every day. In fact, aggravated and frustrated is not the condition God wants us to live in. Let me show you what I mean.

In John 14:27 (AMP), Jesus says, “Peace I leave with you: My [own] peace I now give…to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. [Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.]”

Now, there’s a worldly peace we have when everything is going our way. But the peace Jesus gives is a totally different quality of peace than what the world gives. It’s a peace that passes our understanding; it makes us peaceful when all natural reasoning says we should be upset.

You Can Decide to Be Peaceful

 We can make the decision to stop allowing ourselves to get upset, aggravated and frustrated. Although we may think, “I can’t help it,” according to Jesus, we can help it. He offers us peace that can keep us from getting this way.

It’s important for us to realize that we have a responsibility to not let our hearts be troubled or afraid. We will never break loose from anything we’re struggling with until we take personal responsibility for where we are now.

Most people just want to blame someone or something else for their problems – a bad childhood, their lack of education, their nationality, their personality – and make excuses for the way they are. But we can’t let the things from our past, or present, become an excuse to stay there. Believe me…I know.

I grew up in a home full of turmoil. It was a very unstable, unpleasant atmosphere, filled with alcohol, anger and all kinds of abuse. However, I learned that I had to take responsibility for my actions if my life would ever be different than what I experienced throughout my childhood.

I remember when I realized that living with frustration, aggravation and worry really just did me no good at all. All I ever got from being this way was a headache, a back ache, a grouchy attitude, and regret for saying things I never should have said.

As I began to take responsibility and say, “God will help me to do something about this if I really want Him to,” things began to change. It wasn’t easy and it didn’t happen overnight, but as I trusted God more and more to help me, and then made right choices to act like Christ instead of the way I felt like acting when I was upset or didn’t get my way, I changed. I learned to live with the peace Jesus gives.

God’s Peace Is for YOU!

And you can too. We can have anything God says we can have. He is no respecter of persons. The promises of God are for “whosoever will” (see Acts 10:34-35). We’re all “whosoevers,” but not all of us are willing to do what we need to do to inherit the promises of God. We may be willing to hear the truth, but are we willing to do what it says?

I want to challenge you to decide right now to be determined and persistent in seeking God and being obedient to what He’s telling you to do. Our enemy, the devil, is persistent and will do whatever he can to wear us out and keep us from God’s will. But we need to have the same tenacity in Christ to never give up – by God’s grace – and make him sorry he ever bothered us.

Remember, as a born-again Christian, you are full of the Spirit of the living God, who makes us more than conquerors. We should plan ahead to stay peaceful during trials. Everything is not going to go our way all the time, and when it doesn’t, we can be prepared to stay in peace in the midst of it all.

Let your confession be: “With God’s help, I don’t have to be aggravated or frustrated. I can stay calm and hold my peace.” The ability to display stability and remain calm in troubled times can be one of our greatest testimonies to a troubled world.

I held onto his hand. He was holding on tight. He smiled at me. Pearly whites that would light up a room.
"Remember Aruba?" He asked. Tears were forming in his brown eyes.
I smiled. How could I forget?
"We had some good times there didn't we?" He asked.
"Always did." I managed to say.
I looked at our hands. Fingers were laced like always, But this time they were trembling. I couldn't tell if is was me, or him, or both of us. But it didn't matter. The silver ring I wore upon my finger that he gave me when we were so far away from each other was covered in blood,  he wiped it away, and at that time he and I seemed to know.
"Remember the snowstorm in the mountains?" He asked.
This time, the tears were in my eyes. There was no use trying to blink them away now.
"You took my virginity of my, you know...." I smiled.
"You gave it to me." He smiled.
We stared at each other. Our eyes were saying what our mouths weren't. There was a lump in my throat and it was choking me.
"What a way to spend our last day on vacation." He said.
We both smiled again. Our eyes never left each other.
"Are you ready?" He asked. His voice was quiet.
"No." I couldn't lie.
Still holding tight to my hand, and still staring into my eyes, he reached with his other hand and caressed my cheek. I grabbed that hand and kissed his palm. His eyes held mine.
"I love you." He said.
"I love you too." I said.
I never noticed his labored breathing as the light in his eyes began to get dim. I never noticed the crowd that gathered around the scene. I never noticed the witnesses talking with the police.
"I love you". He said one more time, but with emphasis.
But when I opened my mouth to say it back, he smiled. He smiled one last time, on the last day of our vacation. The light in his brown eyes was gone. It was then that I snapped back into reality.
"Ma'am, you are going to have to let the coroner take the body." A voice said to me.
"Huh?" I was still not very coherent.
"Ma'am, you're hurt. You need medical attention."
Although his hands seemed to have turned cold all of a sudden, I could not let them go. Not yet.
I saw a hand move over his face, closing his eyes.
"No!" I shouted. "Not yet!"
I began to sob.
"Ma'am you have to let go."
Someone was gently pulling me away from him. I didn't want to let go. Not yet.
As his hands slowly slid from mine, I could hear someone talking in the background.
"Date of death, December thirty-first, two thousand thirteen. Time of death, twelve fifty-nine."

Gasping, I rose in the bed, frantic and sweaty; My heart pounding out of my chest, I looked over to see the sun falling upon his face as he slept beside me. The relief, the sadness and brokenness still fresh from this terrible vision I had just woke from still fresh in my heart and mind. I felt such an aching and sorrow I could never erase from my soul. Disheveled and now so alert and awake; I reached over to touch him almost in fear that I might feel that same coldness of his death. As the warmth rushed from his body into my hand, and with his eyes opening to meet mine, I realized I could never let him go again.

"Foregiveness-Letting Go of the Hurt"

I do not claim to be a pastor, preacher, reverend or any other formal name that often comes with someone behind the pulpit. I do not stand before a congregation on Sundays and lay on the word, pretending to know what I am really talking about. What I am, is a regular person who struggles just like everyone else, but who serves God. I do know the word, and I try to live my life by it for the most part.  For some reason, Only God and myself knows, I was asked to deliver the message this Sunday morning. My pastor looked at me and said, Young Lady, you have something to say, something people need to hear. What you have to say is backed my the KNOW and the pain it takes to deliver such a message. I tried to argue, and explain that I am not a pastor, and have no true qualifications for such a task. He refused no for an answer as he said "the spirit has led me to ask you".  I asked him what I might speak about, he said "The thing that is in your heart". the thing that you long for the most. I bowed my head, and I KNEW God was speaking right to me thru my pastor. In my obedience to him, I am sharing this sermon that is from my heart, my love that is from my spirit and that I was led to write and to deliver this Sunday. I hope that if only one person may benefit from it, I know I have done well in the Lord's eyes. And maybe it will also bring some healing into my life as well.

"Forgiveness - Letting Go of the Hurt"
 

Colossians 3:13.............................................
 

On this occasion that I am to speak, I choose to speak on forgiveness, I know that I will be speaking to a real need in people's lives. Every one of us has been hurt deeply by someone else. It may have been a parent, an ex-spouse, a current mate, a sibling, a former friend, a relative, or perhaps a stranger. It be a hurt that came from some violent or reckless act. It may have been something that somebody should have done but didn't. It may be something that took place over many years. It may be something that happened in a moment.
Even as I speak these words there may be a situation or person that immediately pops into your mind and begins to make your stomach churn. In fact, the danger I face here is that this issue will remind you of a pain that distracts you from the clear teaching of the Bible.
The command to forgive is most difficult because sometimes we don't want to forgive. We want to strike back. We want justice. We want the other person to know the pain they inflicted. And if we can't have justice we vow that we will never have a relationship with that person again. We avoid them and ignore them. It is not surprising then that when we talk about forgiveness we are more interested in finding loopholes than we are in obeying.
This morning I quote lots of different people. The reason I do so is simple: I am still learning about forgiveness. So, today I enlist the help of others.

THE CALL TO FORGIVENESS

Let's begin with the facts: the Bible tells us that we are to forgive.

Matthew 6:14,15 "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Matthew 18:21, 22 Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. (Followed by the parable of the ungrateful servant).......35 "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

Mark 11:25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

Luke 6:37 "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

Luke 17:3, 4 So watch yourselves. "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him."

Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

WHY FORGIVENESS?
Why does God make such an issue of forgiveness? I think we can answer that question several different ways. First, forgiveness reflects God's character. When we forgive we reflect the Father's love. The standard is this: forgive AS He has forgiven you. Forgiveness gives us the opportunity to extend to others what God has extended to us.
Do you remember where you were when He found you? Can you recall the countless times you ignored God, spurned Him, did what you knew was wrong? Even then the Lord reached out to You and offered His forgiveness. And when you received His love He promised He would "remember the past no longer". You have been forgiven. When we forgive others we show that His Spirit is at work within us. When we forgive we demonstrate that we have not forgotten where He found us.
But (you say), "If we forgive aren't we just letting someone get away with a wrong?" We feel if we "simply forgive" (there's nothing simple about it) we will be allowing someone to take advantage of us. Shouldn't we make people aware of the wrong they have done? Thomas Watson answered this objection quite effectively,

To pass by an injury without revenge, is not eclipsing our honor. The Scripture says of a man, 'It is his glory to pass over a transgression.' Proverbs 19:11. It is more honorable to bury an injury than to revenge it. Wrath denotes weakness; a noble heroic spirit overlooks a petty offense.

But what if the wrong is great . . . not forgiving is a greater wrong. In injuring you he has offended against man, but in not forgiving him you offend against God. 

One of the best ways of showing someone the wrong they have done is to contrast their actions with grace.
Second, forgiveness releases us. The alternative to forgiveness is bitterness and resentment. A friend of mine tells about a visit to Yellowstone Park where he saw a grizzly bear. The huge animal was in the center of a clearing, feeding on some discarded camp food. For several minutes he feasted alone; no other creature dared draw near. After a few moments a skunk walked through the meadow toward the food and took his place next to the grizzly. Did the  bear object? Nooo! and My friend knew why. "The grizzly," he said, "knew the high cost of getting even." 
People who refuse to forgive, hurt themselves. Bitter people are no fun to be around. They can't sleep. Ulcers line their stomach. Their blood pressure rises. They see the negative in every situation because their life is polluted with these feelings of resentment and anger. People who are unwilling to forgive may feel that they are punishing the other person but the only person paying the price is themselves.

"Try a simple experiment on yourself. Make a fist and hold it tight. One minute of this is sufficient to bring discomfort. Consider what would happen if the fist were maintained in that state of tension during a period that extended into weeks, months, or even years. Obvious it would soon become a sick member of the body.

You may hurt a person by not forgiving them and thus feel some satisfying sense of getting even, but almost without exception, the hurt you do to yourself may be even greater. After a while you may not feel the pain of the clenched resentment in your soul, but its self-inflicted paralysis will have its effect upon your whole life. 

Forgiveness not only releases us physically and emotionally, it also releases us SPIRITUALLY. One of the greatest barriers to effective prayer and spiritual vitality is an unforgiving heart. 

I believe [unforgiveness] is keeping more people from having power with God than any other thing -- they are not willing to cultivate the spirit of forgiveness. If we allow the root of bitterness to spring up in our hearts against someone, our prayer will not be answered. It may not be an easy thing to live in sweet fellowship with all those with whom we come in contact; but that is what the grace of God is given to us for. 

An unforgiving heart binds the Holy Spirit's ability to work. It becomes a barrier to effective and fruitful ministry. An unwillingness to forgive disrupts our fellowship with God. It steals from us the joy of knowing His forgiveness in our lives. Are you having trouble praying with power? Could it be that there is someone you need to forgive?
A third reason for forgiveness is that Forgiveness yields power in the life of the one forgiven. Just as God's grace had a transforming effect in your life, your extension of that grace to others has power to transform them. In these painful situations we must keep in mind that every lost person matters to God. Paul endured all kinds of persecution and pain in order to share Christ. Jesus endured the pain and shame of the cross in order to redeem you. When we endure and forgive rather than strike back and resent, we open the doorway of grace to someone else.
PRINCIPLES OF FORGIVENESS
True Forgiveness is an act of grace empowered by God
Forgiveness is not easy. In fact, I suspect that many of you here today are already bristling at the idea of extending forgiveness to someone who has hurt you. It's an unnatural act. We desire justice and vindication. We want to get even . . . no, we want to get ahead! To forgive someone requires the work of God in your life. This is NOT a natural act . . . it is a supernatural act. How else do you explain a parent who can forgive someone who murdered their child? How else do you explain the spouse who forgives a mate for their adultery? These things happen only as a result of God working through them.
True Forgiveness results in a changed attitude toward another
What does it mean to forgive a person? In Thomas Watson's book on the Lord's Prayer he writes,

When have we truly forgiven? When we strive against all thoughts of revenge; when we will not do our enemies mischief, but wish well to them, grieve at their calamities, pray for, seek reconciliation with them, and show ourselves ready on all occasions to relieve them. This is gospel- forgiving.

Forgiveness has taken place when we can honestly seek good for the other person. It is when we make an effort to RESTORE a relationship rather than avoid the relationship. Forgiveness has taken place when past actions no longer hold a present bearing. Forgiveness is real when hate is replaced by love.
True Forgiveness takes time
Forgiveness is seldom a one-time affair. We have to consciously seek to forgive again and again. One moment we may feel we have let the matter go and in the next something stimulates a painful memory that must be dealt with again. The roots of bitterness go deep. The deeper the hurt, the more time may be needed for the difficult work of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a decision of the mind and the heart which must be reaffirmed over and over.

I have often said, "I forgive you," but even as I said these words my heart remained angry or resentful. I still wanted to hear the story that tells me that I was right after all; I still wanted to hear apologies and excuses; I still wanted the satisfaction of receiving some praise in return-if only the praise for being so forgiving!

But God's forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life. It calls me to keep stepping over all my arguments that say forgiveness is unwise, unhealthy, and impractical. It challenges me to step over all my needs for gratitude and compliments. Finally, it demands of me that I step over that wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put a few conditions between me and the one whom I am asked to forgive. 

True Forgiveness must be Realistic
We must understand that the act of forgiveness may not completely heal the relationship with the person who hurt us. The person we forgive may not even see anything they need to be forgiven of. Or may not want us in their lives anymore. It may seem that they are indifferent to the pain they have inflicted. Forgiveness may not affect the other person at all. But we must extend forgiveness anyway as an act of trust toward God. We must forgive because we choose to do what is right, not because of the response we hope to get from the other.  If they ask for forgiveness, once should be all they need to ask.
We also need to realize that we cannot wait for someone else to make the first move. We feel the person who offended should be the one to make the first move. However, the Lord gives us no such rule. The rule the Lord gives us is simply this: forgive as I have forgiven you. And, if you remember, God made the first move toward us.
True Forgiveness involves Forgetting
We've heard it said, and even said it ourselves: I can forgive, but I can't forget. Yet, what are we to make of the Biblical passages that tell us that God will "remember our sins no longer." There is a sense in which we must forget.

God is omniscient, knowing all things possible at all times and at every moment in time. God cannot forget our sins in the sense that he loses them from his memory. By forgetting then, he must mean that he sets aside the punishment we deserve when he forgives us. He holds the guilt of our sins over our heads no longer. Our past culpability it not a factor in how he treats us in the future-except to continue his forgiving, healing mercy. So when we "forget" the offenses done to us, it means we will not in the future "use" the offense as reason to punish the offender. We will not raise it as an issue between us; not use it as a weapon in arguments. We will not continually remind third parties about it. And we will determine to work at not dwelling upon it in our own minds. 

CONCLUSIONS
I can't think of a more difficult command given in scripture. It goes against our nature. Every pore of our body screams, "No, I won't do it." And then Jesus says, "If you do not forgive, I will not forgive." We know what is right to do. We even want to do what is right. But we feel paralyzed. You may still feel it is impossible. If so, listen to this true account.
Rebecca Pippert relates the powerful story of the late Corrie ten Boom. This Dutch woman and her family were sent to Auchwitz for hiding Jews in their home during the Second World War. Corrie was a Christian woman and had been invited to speak at a conference in Portland Oregon. This is what she said,

"My name is Corrie ten Boom and I am a murderer." There was total silence. "You see, when I was in prison camp I saw the same guard day in and day out. He was the one who mocked and sneered at us when we were stripped naked and taken into the showers. He spat on us in contempt, and I hated him. I hated him with every fiber of my being. And Jesus says when you hate someone you are guilty of murder."

"When we were freed, I left Germany vowing never to return," Corrie ten Boom continued. "But I was invited back there to speak. I didn't want to go but I felt the Lord nudging me to. Very reluctantly I went. My first talk was on forgiveness. Suddenly, as I was speaking, I saw to my horror that same prison guard sitting in the audience. There was no way that he would have recognized me. But I could never forget his face, never. It was clear to me from the radiant look on his face while I spoke, that he had been converted since I saw him last. After I finished speaking he came up and said with a beaming smile, 'Ah, dear sister Corrie, isn't it wonderful how God forgives?" And he extended his hand for me to shake.

"All I felt as I looked at him was hate. I said to the Lord silently, "There is nothing in me that could ever love that man. I hate him for what he did to me and to my family. But you tell us that we are to love our enemies. That's impossible for me, but nothing is impossible for you. So if you expect me to love this man it's going to have to come from you, because all I feel is hate."

She went on to say that at that moment she felt nudged to do only one thing: "Put out your hand, Corrie," the Lord seemed to say. Then she said, "It took all of the years that I had quietly obeyed God in obscurity to do the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I put out my hand." Then, she said, something remarkable happened. "It was only after my simple act of obedience that I felt something almost like warm oil was being poured over me. And with it came the unmistakable message: 'Well done, Corrie. That's how my children behave.' And the hate in my heart was absorbed and gone. And so one murderer embraced another murderer, but in the love of Christ." 

Our friend Max Lucado sums it all up and places it in simple words we can understand.

Perhaps the wound is old. A parent abused you. A teacher slighted you. A spouse cheated in y And you are angry.

Or perhaps the wound is fresh. The friend who owes you money just drove by in a new car. The boss who hired you with promises of promotions has forgotten how to pronounce your name. Your circle of friends escaped on a weekend getaway, and you weren't invited . .

And you are hurt.

Part of you is broken, and the other part is bitter. Part of you wants to cry, and part of you wants to fight. The tears you cry are hot because they come from your heart, and there is a fire burning in your heart. It's the fire of anger. It's blazing. It's consuming. Its flames leap up under a steaming pot of revenge

And you are left with a decision. "Do I put the fire out or heat it up? Do I get over it or get even? Do I release it or resent it? Do I let my hurts heal, or do I let hurt turn into hate?" . . .

Resentment is the deliberate decision to nurse the offense until it becomes a black, furry, growling grudge.

Unfaithfulness is wrong. Revenge is bad. But the worst part of all is that, without forgiveness, bitterness is all that is left.

"In the final analysis, forgiveness is an act of faith. By forgiving another, I am trusting that God is a better justice-maker than I am. By forgiving, I release my own right to get even and leave all issues of fairness for God to work out. I leave in God's hands the scales that must balance justice and mercy."
So what about you? Where do you need to extend forgiveness today? I'll give you a hint: it's in that area where you resist forgiveness the most. It's time, my friend, time to let go. It's time to let the grace and love of God work in you and through you. Perhaps you need to forgive someone here. Perhaps it is someone you work with. Maybe you need to forgive yourself. It's time to make that decision to let go. It's time to extend our hand, dare a smile, build a bridge.
It's not easy. It's not natural. But when we forgive we find that a prisoner has been set free. And that prisoner, is us.



Misty Ford

Workplace Gossip.... It hurts, and it can be detrimental.

The Danger of Workplace Gossip

It seems so harmless. The little chitchat at the water cooler about so and so. The debate over someone’s relation- ship with someone else. The speculation about so and so. Is it chitchat or is it gossip? How can you tell the dif- ference? And who cares? There is a very big difference, and it is an important one, because gossip run amok can be dangerous and destructive in the workplace.

Gossip or idle chit chat?
So how does one tell the difference between idle chatter or gossip? While idle chit-chat and other light conversation can be value neutral, gossip is often negative, inflammatory and embarrassing to the per- son being spoken of. Here is a test: Consider the im- pact of what is being said. Does it cast negative as- persions? Does it create rifts? Does it exult in the misfortune of others? Does it have a negative emo- tional charge? Does it serve to perpetuate conflict or negativity? Is it hurtful or damaging? Is it something you would say in front of that person?
Technically, any sharing of trivial or unsubstantiated information can be considered gossip. But you have to consider the sentiment. For example, if it were rumored that a coworker is being promoted, and you discuss it with a coworker, is that gossip? If the dis- cussion is hurtful or damaging or negative, then yes, it is gossip. But if it’s value neutral then it’s not. If the story is told with negativity and without good will, then it is gossip.
Gossip hurts
Gossip can have many adverse side effects on an or- ganization. It can increase conflict and decrease mo- rale. It results in strained relationships. Gossip breaks down the trust level within the group, which

results in employees second-guessing each other and ultimately running to the supervisor to clarify the directions or instructions, or to settle the differences that will arise. Gossip is the death of teamwork as the group breaks up into cliques and employees start refusing to work with others.
Gossip results in the supervisor spending an enor- mous amount of time trying to figure out who said what to whom. Or, worse yet, the supervisor strug- gles to explain to the manager that the on-going con- flicts and communication problems within the work- group are the reason work doesn't get done only to hear the manager comment, "Why can't you manage your team better?" Productivity is lost, as are good employees who do not want to work in that toxic en- vironment.
Breaking the gossip cycle
Let’s say you are not a gossiper. You simply listen to your coworkers so as not be rude. You’ve been taught to be a team player right? But here’s the thing that most people don’t realize—as a listener, you are a co-narrator to the gossip. In other words, the act of active listening actually supports and promotes gos- siping. The more you listen, the more you encourage it. If you don’t listen, the gossip has nowhere to go. Think about the last time you told a story to someone who was clearly not interested. The story probably withered on the vine.

Here’s how to get out of the gossip pipeline:

1. Be busy. Gossipmongers want attention. If you're preoccupied with your work, you can't be avail- able to listen to their latest story.
   
2. Don’t participate. Walk away from the story. Don’t give visual clues that you are interested in listening. If someone passes a juicy story on to you, don't pass it any further. Take personal re- sponsibility to act with integrity.
   
3. Turn it around by saying something positive. It isn't nearly as much fun to spread negative news if it's spoiled by a complimentary phrase about the person being attacked
   
4. Avoid the gossiper. If you notice one person who consistently makes trouble, take the necessary actions to have as little interaction with that per- son as possible. Avoid him/her.
   
5. Keep your private life private. Don't trust per- sonal information with coworkers. Remember, if they are gossiping about others, they will gossip about you, too. Don't give them ammunition.
   
6. Choose your friends wisely at work. You spend a good deal of time at work so it's natural for friendships to develop. Share information spar- ingly until you are sure that you have built up a level of trust. Also, close association with gos- sipers will give the perception that you are a gos- siper.
   
7. Be direct. If you confront the gossiper and confi- dently tell him or her that such behavior is mak- ing it uncomfortable for you and other cowork- ers, it's likely to stop.
   
8. Don't be afraid to go to a superior. Gossiping wastes a lot of company time and hurts morale. A company interested in a healthy work environ- ment will value the opportunity to correct this type of situation.
   

What the employer can do
Gossip is as old as man- kind. It is unrealistic to think we could free the workplace of gossip. It’s also conducted through the free will of employ- ees, and regulating that is very difficult without cre- ating a big brother climate. That being said, there are some things that employers can do to
minimize negative gossiping and rumormonger:

• Communicate regularly and consistently with employees about what's going on in the work- place. Regular communication minimizes the influence and need for gossip, because everyone is "in-the-know." If employees don't have good information from the supervisor about what is going on, they will make it up in the form of speculation and gossip. Consistent and authentic communication will work wonders in stopping the gossip.
  
• Discourage gossip in official company policy. Include a section that deals with gossip in the company handbook. Convey to your employees that such talk is injurious to morale and productivity and will not be tolerated. Ask them not to participate and not to tolerate it from others. NEVER council an employee on hearsay or accuse them of saying something you only heard from another employee.  
  
• Nip it in the bud. If an employee comes to you complaining of gossip, or if you know an em- ployee to be a gossip, be proactive. Tell the offender that you are aware of his behavior. De- scribe how his behavior results in others not trusting them. For some, this single statement will be a realization that will result in immediate change. Furthermore, incorporate the impact the gossiping employee's behavior has had on the workplace in his/her performance evaluations. This should be incentive to stop the behavior. Never incorporate scolding or counseling of an employee that has been gossiped about based on hearsay or possible gossip you've heard. 
  
  • Incorporate employee driven group discussions and expectations about gossiping. This gives permission to coworkers to hold each other mutually accountable for having a "gossip-free" workplace.
    
  • As a supervisor or manager—do not engage in gossip yourself. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. NEVER assume what you hear from one employee about another is true and bring it up during any form of counseling discussion, Or address anything you have not heard first hand. Open door policy doors are quickly closed when employees feel threatened by supervisors believing gossip about them. 
    
    

  What if the gossip is about you!
  
  If you are the target of gossip you have two choices. You can confront the source or make a public statement. Thankfully, gossip has a very short life span. Sometimes, the best thing to do is let it run its (hope- fully) short course. Creating a stink sometimes causes more drama than just letting it go.