At times, although very rare, I find myself acting out of anger and frustration over things that happen in life. I know better of course, but I AM after all human. Recently, well, maybe not so recent, a few months back in fact. I faltered and allowed someone to push my final button during a very vulnerable time. Well regretfully, I said some things I shouldnt have said. Since then, I have felt horrible; not because that person didn't deserve to be told this or put in his place, but because of how I did it out of anger and frustration rather than calm understanding(quite out of character and definatley not my typical good example that I always try to set for my children). Unfortunately, I allowed myself to become weak and react negatively. I have learned over the years through so much abuse and hurt to become strong, and a survivor Yet, be the bigger person no matter what the situation is, that being bigger IS better in those situations. But I also learned that I am human and that NO ONE is perfect and NO ONE has always done the right thing all the time. That I cannot kill myself worrying about if someone disproves of me, my choices, my actions or my words. I have learned that I can't take back what I have done, I can only acknowledge my fault and get up and try again. That I have no control over others closed minds to forgiveness and inability to accept human nature to error without condemnation. I know my heart and that it IS good, and it has not been easy, but I have learned to believe in me, love me, and when I make a mistake, I AM humble enough to admit it. I am not perfect, of course not, Jesus was the only perfect one. I know that when I love, I love like no other, and I am a good woman. I don't need someones approval to KNOW that. I know that I take on the world for others to protect them and fight for them and am the voice for the weak, but, sometimes I'm the voice when I shouldn't be I guess. I am passionate, and strong. Those are WELL EARNED traits that I was not born with. If people REALLY took the time to know me they would see that, and understand me very well. ALL people who actually get to know me, usually love me. All I know is that I am very sensitive and I get hurt very easily. I have NO bad intentions EVER, and I usually always do the right thing. I have lived a very clean, straight life, no pills, no drugs, no drinking, no violence and have since having my boys lived only for them. I REALLY DO try to always do good and the right thing. I usually write to vent, and blow off steam, not yell, cuss or fight. I write, write, write. But I didn't this time, I was sword drawn fighting like a fool, Now that I have slain the Dragon, how will I roast my marshmallows??*sigh*
What I maybe should of written and given him instead of reacting to his anger with anger. Left him alone and give him some time to think about it, but I didn't, I gave back to him what he was giving to me...ANGER Sadly, I lost my best friend, so maybe with my Venting I can help someone else now. As this situation inspired this blog writing. He refuses to talk to me even months later. PUSHED ME TOTALLY OUT!
Elements of "Self" Compassion communicating not pushing others out
Self-kindness. Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, or unimportant, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism. Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals. People cannot always be or get exactly what they want. And they never will unless they can communicate clearly their needs and wants. When this reality is denied or fought against, suffering increases in the form of stress, frustration, anger and self-criticism. When this reality is accepted with sympathy and kindness, greater emotional equanimity is experienced. Frustration at not having things exactly as we want is often accompanied by an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation – as if “I” were the only person suffering or making mistakes. All humans suffer, however. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience - something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone. It also means recognizing that personal thoughts, feelings and actions are impacted by “external” factors such as parenting,history, culture, relationships,genetic and environmental conditions, as well as the behavior and expectations of others. Substance abuse experts calls the intricate web of reciprocal cause and effect in which we are all imbedded with the “interbeing.” Recognizing our essential interbeing allows us to be less judgmental about our personal failings, After all, if we had full control over our behavior, how many people would consciously choose to have anger issues, addiction issues, debilitating social anxiety, eating disorders, and so on? Many aspects of ourselves and the circumstances of our lives are not of our choosing, but instead stem from innumerable factors (genetic and/or environmental) that we have little control over. By recognizing our essential interdependence, therefore, failings and life difficulties do not have to be taken so personally, but can be acknowledged with non-judgmental compassion and understanding. Mindfulness. Self-compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. This equilibrated stance stems from the process of relating personal experiences to those of others who are also suffering, thus putting our own situation into a larger perspective. It also stems from the willingness to observe our negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity, so that they are held in mindful awareness. That we learn to communicate our needs, and wants. Not supress them, then later boil over with anger when they are not met especially by our loved ones. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. At the same time, mindfulness requires that we not be “over-identified” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negative reactivity.
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