In addition, the boom of online dating services hasn’t improved the decision-making process for singles. Go online, and you can find someone with brunette hair who likes sushi and long walks in the rain. However, notice that these companies cannot guarantee that you will find a person with character. No matter what a dating service claims, they can’t verify the integrity of anyone in their database. Yet, without this key ingredient, couples cannot build lasting intimacy.
A person has character when he or she chooses to love you – even if there is no immediate benefit. Unfortunately, people do not wear signs around their necks informing you that they possess honesty, loyalty, or compassion. Therefore, it is your job to determine the virtue of the person whom you date. You cannot assume or take someone else’s word on the matter. You must draw your own conclusions. But, how do you discern character in a person whom you’re just getting to know? The answer lies in observing whether someone looks out for the needs of others, rather than concentrating on himself or herself. In other words, is he or she willing to love sacrificially?
For instance, review the list of 31 Character Questions at the end of this blog, and if you are seriously dating someone, these are the types of issues you must consider. Take the time to ask your date each one of these questions, because character can have many flavors, but it always stems from the sweet desire to love sacrificially.
The willingness of a person to sacrifice sheds light on their level of character. And, as you examine someone, don’t forget to ask yourself, “Do I consider the needs of others, or do I usually look out for #1?” Sometimes, integrity may even include telling someone “no,” such as when you are tempted to go too far sexually, drink alcohol, waste money, or spend too much time together.
However, if we are honest with ourselves, we must confess that a problem exists when we try to love sacrificially—we cannot consistently do it. All of us possess some measure of loyalty, mercy, and self-control. Yet, as conflict, disappointment, or the routine of daily life affect our relationships, the desire to care for another person tends to disappear. If we are called on to sacrifice, we usually expect something in return or wait until the sacrifice feels convenient.
Sacrificial love, however, is not about convenience or getting something in return. A romantic relationship is supposed to represent the way Christ gave Himself up for us. 22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.(Ephesians 5:22-33)
Yet, if you and I cannot consistently love in this manner, what hope do our relationships have of experiencing lasting intimacy?
Jesus Christ presents hope by offering to live His sacrificial love through you. 20I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (Galatians 2:20). He displayed the ultimate act of character by dying innocently upon a cross. Through His resurrection, Jesus can now live His integrity through your life. By His power, you can extend sacrificial love to another person—even when you do not feel like it. No fancy prayers are necessary; you simply invite Him by faith to live through you. By His grace, He will take over and impart His character through your circumstances. 11For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. 12It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, (Titus 2:11-12).
Too often, though, our human pride attempts to water down the definition of sacrifice to make it easier for us to attain. For instance, we might define sacrificial love as a man paying big money to take his girlfriend to a sold-out concert. That’s a nice gesture, but Christ might define sacrifice as that man paying big money for concert tickets, only to skip the show upon discovering his girlfriend is drained from a terrible day at work. His focus is to support and encourage her, which might also mean not turning on the TV while she is talking, or taking over the conversation in mid-sentence to talk about himself. To a human, those actions may sound unreasonable. When you yield to Christ, however, He can give you the desire to change your plans, sit patiently with someone, and listen to their problems, even if you do not see their problem as a problem. You may feel like offering a solution to their problem is the best thing, however, in most instances, the other person just wants you to "Listen". That act of sacrifice to be quiet and just listen in completeness often fills their needs tremendously, and proves character and sacrificial love in their eyes.
True love means laying down your wishes to profit another person. Your spiritual union with Christ makes this kind of behavior possible. You can try to love in your own strength, but you will eventually burn out. Until you ask Jesus to live His sacrificial love through you, loving another person will always be a struggle. That’s why it’s important to learn to rely upon Christ as your source of character. Likewise, it’s imperative to discover if the person whom you date has learned to depend upon Christ as his or her source of integrity.
As you discern someone’s character, take your time, and do not expect perfection. Everyone makes mistakes, slacks off, and acts selfishly on occasion. Be very careful, however, if a person’s integrity appears erratic. Honesty, humility, and forgiveness should be normal traits, rather than rare. You want to date someone whose virtue is consistent. This does not mean that integrity should be boring or predictable. On the contrary, dating someone with good character should free you to have a blast together. So, sweeten your romantic relationship by making sure it is flavored with sacrificial love!
Fully discuss each of these 31 questions before you consider engagement to someone. (Remember to develop rapport first before talking about these intimate issues.)
Spiritual character
1. Who is Jesus Christ to you? Do you live for him, is he first in your life?
2. When and how did you become a Christian? What are your plans for the future in your walk with Christ.
3. What is your spiritual gift? What do you believe?
4. Are you involved in a local church or Bible study? How much time do you commit to your faith?
Financial character
5. Do you have any debt? If so, how much?
6. If you have debt, how long will it take you to get rid of it? How is your credit?
7. Do you have a stable employment history? How many jobs have you held in the last ten years? Why did you leave those jobs?
8. How much do you have in a savings account? Retirement account? Do you have Life, health insurance?
9. Do you consistently give money to the church or to the less fortunate? Do you volunteer your time to the church or organizations to help the less fortunate?
Dating character
10. Tell me about your past dating relationships. Long term, short term? Are you still friends?
11. Are you still involved in any other relationships? How long since your last relationship?
12. Have you ever been engaged? If yes, why was it called off?
13. Have you been divorced? If yes, why did your marriage fail? Are children involved?
Sexual character
14. Are you comfortable waiting for sex until marriage? If no, why not?
15. Have you ever had sex? If yes, how recently?
16. Are you carrying any sexually transmitted diseases? Are you opposed to being tested and sharing your results?
17. Have you ever struggled with homosexuality? If so, please explain.
18. Have you ever had an abortion? If so, please explain.
General character
19. What difficult circumstances have you endured? How did you get through them?
20. What makes you passionate in life? What drives you day to day?
21. Have you ever broken the law? If yes, what law and what was your punishment? What sort of criminal history do you have if any?
22. In what ways are you involved in helping others?
Friends & family
23. Who are your friends? Do you hang out often? Do you go to bars and drink alcohol with them?
24. Do you get along well with your family? Why or why not?
25. Is your family excited about our relationship? If no, why not?
26. What are your views about the roles of a husband and wife?
27. Do you want to have children if you get married? How many? How soon?
Addictions
28. Are you addicted to alcohol, substances, pornography, or anything else? If yes, how long since your last partaking?
29. Have you ever smoked, used drugs, or struggled with an eating disorder? If yes, when was the last time you used?
30. Do you have family members who wrestle with addictions? If yes, who and what?
31. Do you gamble or play the lottery? If yes, how often and how much do you spend on gambling?
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