DEALING WITH DIFFICULT FAMILY MEMBERS AND CONFLICT.

While family relationships can bring support, joy, and other wonderful benefits into our lives, these relationships can also bring stress, particularly when there's unresolved conflict. Because it's more difficult to let go of conflicted relationships with family than it would be if these relationships were mere friendships, unresolved conflicts with family members can bring additional stress at family gatherings. And this sense of strain can usually be felt among other members of the family as well, especially when a person seems to put undeserved blame and added resentment to ALL members of the family that may not have even been involved in the original conflict because they are terribly flawed in their emotional state and acceptance of the blame of their own behavior. In other words, they are unable to accept they are wrong and find it easier to just get everyone in the family involved and blamed for doing them wrong instead of losing pride and apologizing for truly something that only they did. This person is grossly selfish and dangerous with their actions.

Without an apology or other form of resolution, the trust on both sides is compromised, and may not know what to expect from this person in the future. (For example, that one time your mother-in-law was cussed out up and down called every terrible name in the book by her very own child in front of company. So every time that child comes for a visit, others may sense your mother-in-laws tension.) Other examples are when family members offer advice for destructive behaviors, such as the time Aunt Julie cussed out her own brother calling him terrible unspeakable names, getting up in his face, and pushing and hitting him in front of everyone just because he offered her advice about drinking, smoking and having relations with other men and that she should not be cheating on her mate who loved her dearly, that she needed to be honest with him. These are extreme cases, (yet true cases) Also, references or reminders of past conflicts can sting and create new pain. However, it is hard to move on to the future if one is still in the past with their actions.

Once a conflict has gone on awhile, even if both parties move on and remain polite, the feelings of pain and mistrust are usually lingering under the surface, and are difficult to resolve: bringing up old hurts in an effort to resolve them can often backfire, as the other party may feel attacked; avoiding the issue altogether but holding onto resentment can poison feelings in the present. So what do you do at a family gathering when there's someone there with whom you've had an unresolved conflict? Just be polite. A family gathering is not the time to rehash old conflicts, as such conversations often get messy before they get resolved--if they get resolved. In future dealings with this person, you can take one of three paths:

1. Try To Resolve The Conflict: At a time when all the family isn't gathered, ask the person if they'd like to discuss and resolve what happened in the past. If (and only if) you and the other person seem to want to resolve things and are open to seeing one another's point of view, this could be a constructive idea. Seeing where each of you may have misunderstood the other or behaved in a way you would change if you could, offering sincere apologies, and in other ways resolving the conflict can heal the relationship for the future.
   

2. Forgive and Forget: If it looks like such a civil meeting of the minds is unlikely, don't push it. It's probably a good idea to try to forgive the other person and let it go. Forgiving doesn't mean opening yourself up to feel wronged again; it only means that you let go of your feelings of resentment and anger. You can be careful in what you expect from this person in the future without actively harboring resentment, and you'll be the one to benefit the most. However, once they continually show recurring attacks and your the one always forgiving and forgetting their bad behavior, while they start coming around acting like "nothing happened", it may be time to resort to 3 Especially if the conflict started over you trying to give them advice over bad choices and behaviors of theirs.
   
   

3. Cut The Person Out of Your Life: If what the other person did was abusive and there's absolutely no remorse or reason to expect things to be different in the future, you can severely limit your dealings with this person, or cut off contact altogether. This is normally a last-resort choice, but in cases of abuse, it's sometimes a necessary one to make for your own emotional health. This is used for the person who screams at you calling you a $@#$@%%#%#$% or physically attacks you. Catch my drift? Sometimes distance and prayer is the only true resolve to letting God deal with a person.